One of my goals with this course was to make it without performance anxiety. As you might have noticed I already ”failed”. As a ”light-bipolar” (type II) I have to change the way I’m thinking most of the time and this should be no different.
I take a step back, and realise that’s it’s all a process. Exactly like the mental process I have learnt to go through when I feel down or up in general. I have noticed this can be applied to both mental and physical behaviour.
There are a few steps to this that I use every day.
In my case I rushed to the goal. I got stressed and frustrated. But then I noticed that I was just rushing on the motorway. I noticed that there is an exit, and I managed to take it.
My journey will not be about the goal, but the process. I will identify what I’m doing in my training, look at it from an objective view. I will then try to find alternatives and ask myself if they could be better. What would be the consequences of choosing a particular alternative?
That’s where I am now. I’m filming how I’m training at the moment and deciding if I want to continue doing it, or if there are better consequences if I change it.
I accept that I will only be able to take the first step in this course, but maybe by the end of it I will get a step further and manage to actually change. I can go back at any time and reflect and practice.
All of a sudden this challenge got more fun and I’m enjoying it. I can see myself as a friend and not judge. I will take it little by little.
I’m going through this thought process every day. When I’m feeling down I might have to go through these steps with every thought I have. It takes energy, but it gets easier and easier because I’m building my toolbox of alternatives, and it’s becoming a habit to choose a better one.
Some days are worse than others, and then I don’t have the energy it takes. Then I accept and rest.
The hardest thing is to make other people understand why I have to get more rest and can’t do as many things as everyone else. I often hear ”But you just have to do it”. But no, I have to go through lots of steps and use my energy to choose and do. It’s not easy! And I accept it, no matter what people from the outside are thinking. They have no idea what’s going on in my brain, and I can’t expect them to. Most people are not aware, and then it’s hard to understand.
How can you identify yourself with something you have never experienced? You can think you do, but you can’t really understand in depth the feeling this situation is giving you. It’s personal.